Lust, Sex, Love

I wake up horny, I go to bed horny and I am horny in my sleep.

My fantasies are filled with sexual moments, encounters with sexy black men teasing my body, making me come, scream and moan.

I think about women with big tits and broad hips and massive strap ons.

So the question is: When am I going to have sex again?

Yes I want it, I want it bad, but I am not sure how to handle my sexual cravings.

I can’t work out if I want a regular thing or just one explosive encounter.

My nights of masturbation via my vibrator are so frequent that I have lost count.

I want to be touched, I want a man/woman to taste me, to lick me, to eat me.

But my head tells me: Think about it, are you ready for this? Can you handle casual sex. I know I can’t, I can try, yet I know what I am really like and it just gets too messy.

I understand that sex for pleasure is ok and that there is nothing wrong with it.

When I had brief flings they were all about pleasure, I enjoyed the sex, it was good.

The whole fuck buddy thing still intrigues me, I like the sound of it but I reckon I could get hurt, not unless I set up a few rules before hand.

Lust
The feeling that I get when I just want to fuck someone, there is an attraction and the urge to connect, some sort of physical activity. The one night stand, the late night conversations laced with sex and spiked with erotica.

Sex
What I yearn for, the meeting of minds and bodies where I am fully present and able to feel and experience all that is happening between myself and another free spirit.

Love
The intimacy, the commitment to share each other’s fantasies for more than a night, afternoon – this is what I really want.

I had to think about my current state of celibacy and what it means, in the time that I have been blogging, I have learnt so much about my sexuality. It fluctuates, there are times when I lean heavily towards loving men only and yet I still have that attraction to women within, so strong that I cannot pretend that it is not a part of me.

While I enjoy the idea of sharing my blog with others, I feel somewhat exposed at times and realise that I could never meet anyone who reads my blog offline. They have an unfair advantage they know much more about me than I could possibly know about them.

Somehow I think that they (a potential partner/playmate) would want me to be exactly the same as my online persona Pashun Nate – and this is where it becomes complex.

Outside of my blog I have a busy schedule, I marvel at the fact that I manage to keep this blog going. At some point, I will have to reduce the number of posts if it all gets too much for me.

I rarely get to show my kinky side, well only when I am with like minded people and even then I have seen a few shocked faces when I have said what I like in bed!!!

Sad really, that I can’t share my blog in my offline world, recently I have been asked “What’s new with you?” And it is always on the tip of my tongue to say “I have this sex blog and I really like writing it”.

But I choose not to share it, not yet, not until I know that it won’t be held against me, that I won’t be judged for it. In many ways I feel that this will be my secret, for a long time. I have issues with trust.

I have bared my soul, yet I continue. I have to, this blog is an act of love, a gift of love to myself.

Where else can I talk about Jamaican men, men with large cocks who like to eat pussy, or kinky fuckers who I have fucked up the arse – butch dykes and strap ons, thug porn and cybersex?

I am working on the book version of Black, Kinky and Proud!! I can’t wait until it is ready, it will be a mix of the top posts on here and some short stories that have not featured on the blog.

Watch this space:)